Thursday, February 6, 2014

A lost ring, fructose, and the return of big teeth


My parents gave me a really beautiful ring for Christmas. I kind of wanted a ring, a right-hand ring to wear in addition to the wedding band/engagement ring combo of the left hand.

I put it on this morning as an impulse, after noticing it sitting dejectedly on the kitchen window sill. It had been there almost a week, set aside for safe keeping while I washed some dishes. Early in my shopping trip to Sam's Club I rounded the bend and saw the jewelry counter. I was immediately filled with a warm feeling. Mommy and Daddy walked up to a counter like that to pick out the very special ring I was wearing at that very minute! I looked down and was baffled to see my poor right-hand ring finger, completely and utterly bare.

It's very cold here this winter. The ring was big around my finger but snug over the knuckle. I had chosen not to have it sized, not to wrap it with yarn, not to do anything. Now it was gone. It had slipped away from my cold-shrunken finger unnoticed, unloved.

I retraced my steps all the way to my car. I talked to the Sam's Club membership card checker lady. I called my mother and confessed. I left my phone number and a written description of the ring at the service desk.

Midway through the shopping trip I determined that this was karmic retribution for my irritation with my daughter for being so pokey getting ready for school this morning. Never mind that I was more patient with her than ever before (how long does it take to put on socks, really?!?).


Shopping went pretty well in Sam's Club, but by the time I made it into the Wal-mart next door my nerves were on edge. I went through the FODMAP elimination diet recently (more on that in another post) and found that I'm really sensitive to fructose. So I'm reading labels in the Wal-mart, trying to find buns without High Fructose Corn Syrup to have a proper hamburger for dinner. I picked up six packs of buns. Five had High Fructose Corn Syrup. One had honey (which is also high in fructose).

What's wrong with using plain sugar, bun maker? I can have plain sugar. I was on the verge of having a Steve Martin freak out. (Remember Father of the Bride when he rips open the hot dog bun packages and has to be forcibly removed from the grocery store?) I had a whole fantasy of throwing the bun packs on the ground and stomping them into flat disks. Ha! High Fructose Corn Syrup that!

Finally, I found buns. Nature's Own breads do not use honey or High Fructose Corn Syrup. A collective sigh of relief was heard in the Wal-mart bread aisle as the crazy label checker lady rolled out.


At home, I washed my hands as soon as I walked through the door. It's cold and flu season you know. My hands felt really soft at which point I realized I'd put on lotion this morning. And if I put on lotion, I had taken my ring off at home. I rushed upstairs to confirm that the ring was still sitting where I'd put it hours before. It was never lost. I've lost my mind, but not my ring.

In that moment, finding something that I'd written off forever, I missed my old blog, Big Teeth & Clouds. This is just the sort of drivel I used to write. People read it (some claimed to like it), but I think it had a calming effect for me to write it. I miss telling stories.

So I'm back. Also, I put the ring away in its little box. I'm writing that for my own benefit. In case I can't find it later.