Monday, August 25, 2014

Restarting Just to Quit... Again

My book. It exists!
Big Teeth & Clouds was relaunched in February 2014 as a platform to release my book, No Room For Hondo. After being rejected by several publishers and agents and losing the Amazon ABNA contest twice, I figured I could self-publish. Then I would presumably hock said book to the booming blog audience that would flock to my re-launched site.

Along the way, I learned many things. Blogging is hard work. Thankless even, and it regularly feels like I'm forcing people to visit, read, and comment. The present day mix of recipes and personal stories doesn't seem as successful as the unfiltered sharing I started with in 2010.

Then there's the book. I finally gathered the nerve to tell people about it this spring. I developed a semi-coherent way of describing the plot. Invariably, people would ask how I came up with the story. And I didn't want to tell.

It occurred to me that I'd written something that was pretty raw and revealing. Releasing it in the very limited (read: bound to be unsuccessful) quantity allowed by self-publishing would hurt me and my family as much as publishing a New York Times best seller only without the financial payout and personal satisfaction. So I'm not self-publishing the book.

Using CreateSpace, I had two copies printed. It cost under $10 for both copies including shipping. The glossy cover was proof enough that I'd done something. I wrote a book. I completed a life-long dream.

I gave one copy to my parents and put the other on my living room book shelf. It has my name on the front. It came out longer than a pamphlet too. Irrational fears had plagued my writing process and I was relieved to see such tangible evidence that the book was long enough.

With the book literally shelved, the purpose of the blog became unclear. For a while, I thought I still might parlay it into some kind of home-based business. Many people do. But power blogging falls for me on the wrong side of Bill Cosby's "want something more than you are afraid of it" equation. I fear working my tail off and still reaping no reward. I fear compromising my privacy. I have an overwhelming sense of futility while I tweet, Google+, Pin, and FaceBook hours of my life away. I'm disgusted by my Klout score.

I'm closing up BTaC again and this time I don't expect to stage a comeback. I'm looking for a part-time job outside of my home. Something tactile with real co-workers and a water cooler for beverages and gossip. I hope to spend less time around computers. Maybe the local greenhouse has a spot for me to play in the dirt or there's someplace that would give me an employee discount. I'm looking.

So farewell, Blogoverse. Some of it was fun. The other bits... well, I'm sure you know.